The lead singer of indie-pop sensation “Foster The People” has been charged with the first degree murder of William Boatham after pursuing and later gunning down the 12 year old student. Witnesses believe that a peculiar and intense rejection of the young boy’s footwear was linked to the killing.
Martin Halder, a Physical Education teacher, was conducting a basketball class before the incident occurred. “I saw the guy behind the wire-fence, I recognised him from the band. He was just pacing around the perimeter of the court, staring at the boys with this enormous smile. He was sort of laughing out that song about pumped up kicks... I mean, I know the song- I just should have seen it coming”
Things turned for the worse once the class ended. “As soon as William walked off the court, the man pulled out the gun” a friend of the deceased said. “Before, the man was just humming softly, but now he was jogging after William and calling out the names of different shoe brands- ‘ADIDAS!!’ the man screamed, ‘PUMA!! NIKE!! NEW FUCKING BALANCE!!’... and then when he caught up, that was it”
At a media conference held by State Police, Sergeant Brooks said that, by all witness accounts, the murderer felt as though he was involved in “a kind of satanic foot-race”. Sergeant Brooks pointed out that the accused, a fully grown male, was approximately twice the victim’s height, and that “the boy could not possibly have outrun him. It was a ridiculous challenge”. Sergeant Brooks also admitted to a deep sense of shame that this murder was not prevented. “I knew that there was something screwed up about that song... I mean there wasn’t any context to it, there was no obvious story that it referred to; it was just a clear and public expression of a psychopathic intent to kill children on the unfounded basis of their shoe-size, and we let that slip.”
William’s parents have requested a royal commission into the government’s failure to protect children from Foster the People. A decision is expected later this week.
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