Foster the People front-man kills boy over Nikes: police miss vital warning

The lead singer of indie-pop sensation “Foster The People” has been charged with the first degree murder of William Boatham after pursuing and later gunning down the 12 year old student. Witnesses believe that a peculiar and intense rejection of the young boy’s footwear was linked to the killing.

Martin Halder, a Physical Education teacher, was conducting a basketball class before the incident occurred. “I saw the guy behind the wire-fence, I recognised him from the band. He was just pacing around the perimeter of the court, staring at the boys with this enormous smile. He was sort of laughing out that song about pumped up kicks... I mean, I know the song- I just should have seen it coming”

Things turned for the worse once the class ended. “As soon as William walked off the court, the man pulled out the gun” a friend of the deceased said. “Before, the man was just humming softly, but now he was jogging after William and calling out the names of different shoe brands- ‘ADIDAS!!’ the man screamed, ‘PUMA!! NIKE!! NEW FUCKING BALANCE!!’... and then when he caught up, that was it”

At a media conference held by State Police, Sergeant Brooks said that, by all witness accounts, the murderer felt as though he was involved in “a kind of satanic foot-race”.  Sergeant Brooks pointed out that the accused, a fully grown male, was approximately twice the victim’s height, and that “the boy could not possibly have outrun him. It was a ridiculous challenge”. Sergeant Brooks also admitted to a deep sense of shame that this murder was not prevented. “I knew that there was something screwed up about that song... I mean there wasn’t any context to it, there was no obvious story that it referred to; it was just a clear and public expression of a psychopathic intent to kill children on the unfounded basis of their shoe-size, and we let that slip.”

William’s parents have requested a royal commission into the government’s failure to protect children from Foster the People. A decision is expected later this week.

Raisin Toast is'nt going to take ANYMORE SHIT!

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Hey there Hot Stuff! I'm a Law student!

When we introduce ourselves as a law student to the opposite sex, how will that change their perception of us? Will it be met with attraction and curiosity? ambivalence? negative stereotyping? or even unexplainable violence?

Well, because we are generally proud of our own status as “law students” we tend to assume that others will be equally proud of us and that the mere mention of that status will unconditionally project our character as being one of intelligence and depth. Indeed the phrase “I am a Law Student” can have that effect on a particular love-interest; but only if it is introduced with the right timing and in the right context.

Timing

The timing of the phrase “I study law” can be the difference between pomposity and humility; the difference between flowing conversation and self-centered interjection. Below is an example of poor timing

*Sarah, a law student, is driving her car when she hits a male cyclist. When Sarah jumps out of her car to assist the male, she realises that, although he is now squirming in the gutter, he is very attractive*

Sarah: Oh my goodness, are you ok?

Attractive male: mmmmaaarrrgh, agh

Sarah: I’m so sorry

Attractive male: Per... p... please call an ambulance

Sarah: yeah... hey, you know, I study law

Attractive male: Help me!

Sarah: Hey! I’m the one who’s enrolled in a demanding course

Attractive male: mmph, gaaaah 

*the attractive male spots a pedestrian with a phone in the distance and begins to pull himself along the gutter. Sarah slowly paces beside the attractive male discussing her lucrative career options*

Here, Sarah would have done better to wait until asked by the attractive male “what do you study?” and to then answer “I study Law”. This better timing would not have pushed her to an act of criminal negligence, and would have made her look “better” in the eyes of the attractive male.

The right context

If you have your eye on somebody, before you tell them that you study the law, make sure that they do not hate the law. In other words, make sure that they are not an anarchist. Now I know that anarchists are rare, but they do exist, and if you don’t do your homework the conversation may turn out badly, like this:

*A male Law Student, Julian, gets talking to a girl, Tegan, at a park. During this initial conversation, he did not enquire as to whether she was an anarchist. They are now lying in the glowing sun, side by side on the grass, and Tegan is holding Julian’s hand*

Julian: so are you happy to be back at uni again Tegan?


Tegan: Yeah, Its just so great to see everyone again. And I’m really enjoying my subjects. Sorry, what do you study? You didn’t tell me?

*Julian’s smile grew*

Julian: Oh, I study law

Tegan: Anarchy

Julian: sorry what did you say?

Tegan: Anarchy!!!

Julian: I’m sorry I dont understa...

*Tegan picked up a stick and began hopping furiously around Julian*

Tegan: ANARCHY!!!

Julian: Oh my god!

Tegan: ANNNAAARRRCHYYYYYYY!!!!!!

Unfortunately Julian is now constantly pursued by Tegan who uses the internet to track his movements. Tegan spontaneously intercepts Julian, prodding him with a stick. This prodding occurs roughly on a weekly basis, and should remind us that disclosure of our Tertiary choices must be done with the utmost of caution.

In conclusion

You’re law degree is a double edged sword in the realm of courting. But if you weild it wisely, you can strike the heart of your potential lover with the sword. I think that that analogy is ok. It is a bit weird, but I think that it is ok. 

Socialist Alliance Board Meeting Minutes (28/07/11)

Monash Socialist Alliance Minutes

       
    1.      Apologies:

-        Peter Swayne (Kindergarten and Primary School Revolutions Officer)
   

          2.    Animal Voting Rights on the Board

-        The question was put to the board: “should we continue our policy of encouraging animals to vote?”

-        The Communications Officer voted no, and said that the animals only ever abstain from the vote

-        The majority voted yes. The duck and the cat abstained

          3.      Communications Officer Report

-        The communications officer suggested that the Socialist Alliance may be too confronting and assertive in its communications with Monash students

          4.      Openings for Communications Officer

-        An new opening was announced for the position of Communications Officer

-        An injured fruit bat, possessed by the president, was voted into the vacancy. The fruit bat has a broken wing, and will serve the socialist alliance for the duration of its physical recovery.

          5.      The roof protest

-        Four members of the Socialist alliance took to the Campus Center Roof on Tuesday in order to protest against altitude

          6.      A new threat: Anti Socialism

-        Mrs. Haller, a certified psychologist* from the Life Coaching Institute, informed the board that “anti-social behaviour” is not a psychological trait, and that it is instead a new  oppositional, capitalistic ideology. Mrs. Haller said that “Anti-Social behaviour IS Anti-Socialism”

          7.      Treasurer’s report

-        The treasurer asked that the board support the diversion of all funds to the fight against Anti-Socialism

-        The motion was seconded and passed.

           8.      General consensus on being radical

-        The board agreed that they should all be radical

End of meeting

My fringe bares the scars of my disloyalty

Haircuts are political. There's nothing worse than running into your old hairdresser with a new haircut from somewhere else... especially when its a bad haircut. Its upsetting and everybody looses. I found this out a few days a go and wrote this song.

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Train Delay

Wait for a train (click) here!

What kind of person is called an invigilator?

It was exam time and Hailey was walking down Burke Rd to get to Caulfield Racecourse. Every year, for the past three years, her exams were held at the Racecourse. The Racecourse reminded Hailey of all things impersonal: like camp-food, and birthday cards from Telstra. The place was huge and the tables were light and cheap. Hailey preferred to be alone to her thoughts before an exam, so she stopped on the foot-path, 100 meters away from the exam-room... but when she stopped, a man crashed into her back. Hailey’s mind was occupied and revising the law of Torts, so Hailey barely noticed

“ah, sorry!” the clumsy guy said. Hailey began to walk again. “Excuse me? Lady? Tell me, is this where the exams are?”. Hailey stopped to answer him, and he ran into her again. Hailey started

“Hey! What, who are you?”

“The Doctor” He replied

Hailey knew that line from somewhere. Some piece of general information was enlivened in the back of her mind when he said “the doctor”, but whatever it was, it had no hope of rising through the web of law and facts that Hailey had recently spun in her brain. Hailey put her hand to her forehead

“The doctor? Are you a med-student? Because if you are, i think med exams might be held somewhere else. Sorry, I have to go, see you l...” The Doctor interrupted

“Hailey you don’t...” Hailey shivered and a few webs of law fell from her brain, now she was getting frustrated

“You know my name?!”

“Ofcourse I know your name. I also know that your dog’s name is an anagram for terracotta"

Hailey thought about it and a bundle of web (worth about two marks) disappeared instantly

“Stop it!! Stalk me after the exams if you want just... ARGH!!” Hailey was running out of time, so she ran away from that creep. She was the first to sit down in the exam room, still a bit nervy. She was trying to regain her composure when she heard that voice. The Doctor’s voice

“Hailey!” it whispered “Hailey!”

Hailey squeezed her eraser and, without turning, she screamed “WHAT!!!!?”. All of the invigilators looked towards Hailey , and The Doctor huddled beneath his jacket. One of the invigilators walked up to Hailey and asked what was wrong.  As he approached, The Doctor screwed up into a little ball of jackets, scarves and gloves. Hailey smiled. Exams made her a bit more evil than she usually was. 

“I’ll tell you what the problem is!" she said, "Its this guy!” Hailey pointed to the empty table behind her. Her smile inverted “Where did he go?”. The invigilator gave her a warning

“I hope you realise that your exam could be taken from you if you repeat this nonsense during, er, the exam”. Hailey looked at the invigilator's shoes

“But he was there, he said he was called The Doctor”. The Invigilator’s whole face turned to hailey, with a serpentish stare... it wasn’t... it wasn’t human. Whatever it was, it scared just enough web from Hailey’s brain to let that little voice run up to her ear and scream “IT WAS DOCTOR WHO! IT WAS THE DOCTOR!”. With the same wide-eyed, sharp and serene stare, the invigilaltor twisted his head as he slammed Hailey’s table with both hands. Hailey Ran. Nobody else really noticed, and if they did, it barely registered beneath all of the web in their brains.

Outside, the doctor was extending his hand towards Hailey but jogging away from her and calling out something at the same time, like the second runner of a relay about to receive the baton. Hailey made contact and they sprinted into the bathrooms. Hailey, gasping and still thinking a bit about her exams, looked out the little opening above the wash basins. She saw one old man walking from the carpark towards the exam-room, but then she saw more and more old men, with the occasional old lady. It was a hoard of grey people, or a river of them, they kept on coming.

“What is happening?” she said. Hailey was still a bit skeptical, so she sounded like a teenage girl trying not to be amazed by anything. The doctor had a peak too.

The Doctor: “They are invigilators”

Hailey: “I know that”

The Doctor: “I dont think you do Hailey. They aren’t human, they only pretend to be”

Hailey: “What?”

The Doctor: “Oh come on Hailey, they are called “Invigilators”, does that really sound human to you?”

Hailey: “Shit you’re right. So what are we dealing with? Where do they come from”

The Doctor: “They are pure evil i’m afraid. They prey on the incontinent”

Hailey: ...

The Doctor: Look at how many of them there are. They must know i’m here. Christ, they must be coming from Deakin and Swinbourne and... I remember that one, he’s from Melbourne Uni!

Hailey: Wait, go back to the incontinence thing

The Doctor: Well thats how the Invigilators multiply. They go to exams that last for 2-3 hours, and wait for the couple of students that raise their hand wanting to go the toilet. They then guide the weaklings to the bathrooms and BINGO! The poor kids are aged 50 years and turned into an invigilator. Its all done with lasers

Hailey: But wh... why?

The Doctor: Its university policy to pick on the incontinent. Its always buried towards the back of the uni charters

Hailey: My university is run by people though, not invigilators. They wouldn't do that.

The Doctor: Hailey, who is the Chancellor of your university?

Hailey: umm, I actually dont know

The Doctor: I thought so

Hailey: Oh my god

The Doctor: Anyway, I was going to take out these guys but now there's too many. I better go... oh, hey Hailey, do you want to come travelling with me? *The doctor placed his arm around Hailey’s waste*

Hailey: Hey! Get off!

The Doctor: aww damn

Hailey: Fuck this degree, I’m going home