Transcript of Gaddafi's televised speech 27/04/11

I am Gaddafi, I am so glorious

The western characterisation of the situation in Libya is wrong and bad. There is only one true explanation for Libya today. As I predicted years ago, insane people can fly and so the extremists have flown the insane into the sky to harvest the rainbows of their hallucinogens. I want to stop this, and the west tells me to “lie down”? yes, and I say to them that your jurisdiction cannot extend to my sleeping position. I sleep standing-up in full knowledge that it inconveniences the west.

I love Libyans, but they must pay with their life. I was thinking yesterday that “must” sounds like “mustard” and so mustard will be banned for as many months as it takes for Mamoosh to reach Paris. Mamoosh is an elderly man for whom I have set the task of crawling to the French capital without using his legs or knees. When he finally reaches Paris, his arm muscles will be so strong that he will take the whole of Europe for Libya.

Libya is now called “My Breasts”, and each citizen will adopt the name of a dairy product. My Breasts will be powered by athletes on stationary bikes. The greatest wastage of energy occurs in gymnasiums.

Finally, to ascend, we must make peace with the Bovine. From today, the bovine will enter the Kindergartens and select which children will be their masters, and which children will be educated. If a child is chosen by a cow to be its master, the child will ride the cow into battle against the furniture stores and leather upholsters. The worthy will be victorious.  

Today’s National Anthem is Owl City’s cover-version of “enchanted” by Taylor Swift.

You love me, I am so glorious.

Gaddafi

You're god-damn going to pay for your sushi

Two Japanese sailors were chopping along in their boat, off the coast of Japan. One grabbed the other's attention and pointed at the ocean below. There was an assembly of thousands and thousands of whales. There appeared to be a "Leader-Whale" that they were all facing. The Leader Whale was propped up at a piano, and he was much bigger than the other whales. It was as though the Leader Whale was singing something to the rest (like a speech). One of the sailors had equiptment specifically designed for recording whales singing. He dropped the microphone into the ocean, this is the audio that he captured:

Recording, North-East Japanese coast, 21/04/11. Click here

 

 And this is a written memorandum of its contents/lyrics (but you an get them from listening to the above link):

 

The whales wont stay down forever, you should have done your research better

We're peaceful mammals but we trust in fairness you see. Your're god damn gonna pay for your sushi

 

Something strange about this notion, i mean, an island inciting an ocean? The stupid monkeys would be astounded that, men, we have them surrounded

 

Yes you, with your flipper up, please, speak your mind!

 

"well sir, can we do this, I cant even walk or climb"

 

That's just what the monkeys would want you to think when in fact we have pogo sticks

 

"Really?"

 

Yeah, we do, it's weird, it's weird, but we do.

 

The whales wont stay down forever etc. etc.

 

The real Justice French

Justice French is our current Chief Justice of the High Court of Australia.

Open up this image of Justice French: http://images.smh.com.au/2009/04/08/467555/470french-420x0.jpg

and then open up this song in the background: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=betadlhZs2g

Stare into his sexual eyes.

Raisin Toast enters the Life-Coaching business

Improve your life!

Watch Here!