Transcript of Gaddafi's televised speech 27/04/11

I am Gaddafi, I am so glorious

The western characterisation of the situation in Libya is wrong and bad. There is only one true explanation for Libya today. As I predicted years ago, insane people can fly and so the extremists have flown the insane into the sky to harvest the rainbows of their hallucinogens. I want to stop this, and the west tells me to “lie down”? yes, and I say to them that your jurisdiction cannot extend to my sleeping position. I sleep standing-up in full knowledge that it inconveniences the west.

I love Libyans, but they must pay with their life. I was thinking yesterday that “must” sounds like “mustard” and so mustard will be banned for as many months as it takes for Mamoosh to reach Paris. Mamoosh is an elderly man for whom I have set the task of crawling to the French capital without using his legs or knees. When he finally reaches Paris, his arm muscles will be so strong that he will take the whole of Europe for Libya.

Libya is now called “My Breasts”, and each citizen will adopt the name of a dairy product. My Breasts will be powered by athletes on stationary bikes. The greatest wastage of energy occurs in gymnasiums.

Finally, to ascend, we must make peace with the Bovine. From today, the bovine will enter the Kindergartens and select which children will be their masters, and which children will be educated. If a child is chosen by a cow to be its master, the child will ride the cow into battle against the furniture stores and leather upholsters. The worthy will be victorious.  

Today’s National Anthem is Owl City’s cover-version of “enchanted” by Taylor Swift.

You love me, I am so glorious.

Gaddafi