Raisin Toast hits the Dance Floor

*We were at Rats on a Saturday Night. There were about ten of us and I was really looking forward to dancing. The dancefloor was pretty packed, but we found a good corner with a bit of room. This song came on first: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OkzHajYXbyE. And these were my thoughts (If you open the song in a different window when this sentence finishes, then the song will synchronise with Raisin-Toasts thoughts below!)*
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Woah, nice music. I haven't heard this song before. I'll look at Claire, get some eye contact going. Ok, no eye contact there. Maybe Sarah? no. DAMN I think Claire just looked at me, missed it. Ok here we go.

There's the beat! I'll just let loose. WOOOOOO!!!!... no, now there is too much eye contact. And now there is no eye contact. Why is everyone looking away. I hate it when people look around the room. Yeah that's right, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence... you bunch of pesimistic cows. Oh wait... Awesome! i've got a thing going with Tim. Heeeey Tim! I dont think this is weird... I mean I think this song is pretty man-to-man friendly: these lyrics are pretty impersonal... yeah, this is great, I'll probably get to know Tim better through this. I mean I barely know him, so the eye contact is surprising. Alright look away for a bit. Maybe Claire?... no. Sarah? no. Here comes the chorus, I'll just look at Tim again. Heeeeey Tim! *bops and points at Tim until the Chorus comes*.

Chorus: I think that the chorus just said "Tonight I'm lucky you!". That doesn't make sense, but I'll mime it anyway. Heeeyyy TIM! TONIGHT I"M LUCKY YOU!!. damn it, i've lost Tim too. Oh, no, it says "FUCKING you...". So Tim must have thought I was... Fuck thats fucked up, you fucking... fuck. Ok. fuck. Ok, damage control: Females! Females! No thats worse!! This is ridiculous anyway. I mean how many people actually come to these clubs, and then, on the spur of the moment, "fuck" people. Maybe five or six. But there isn't any need to normalise it for the other 500 of us. Fuck fuck fuck.

Ok, second verse, give me some respite. Just try to fit back in... no, you know what, just have fun. You're here to have fun. wait... "If I had a type"?... "I know you're ready"?... "If I never lied"?... "Here's the situation, Been to every nation?". Great, so i'm a dishonest slut who has been unfussily slutting all over the world... I'm NOT A SLUT! haha, actually you should mime that, nobody will notice, but it will be funny. Haha! oh my god, you totally did it. You're great.

Sarah? no.... Claire? no

I'm getting a drink.

As A Friend

RaisinToast puts to song the universal frustration and difficulty of wanting to be friends with ex-girlfriends/boyfriends. I initially recorded it last night, at 3am in the morning, but I was so tired that I was mumbling stuff towards the end. So I did one more take today to procrastonate from other things

 Click Here for song and lyrics

The Aftermath of the Rapture

A disclaimer: This post only tries to put the extreme "FamilyRadio" conception of Christianity into context. It is now the 22/05/2011, so the fact that Jesus has not killed us all (as Family Radio told us he would) is only more proof that Jesus is/was a top bloke. But, yep, this post just pretends that FamilyRadio were right, and that the Rapture did occur, and it looks at the twisted implications of that. Its anti-FamilyRadio, not anti-Christian... phew
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The forecast of a 21/05/2011 Rapture came from here: http://www.familyradio.com/graphical/literature/judgment/judgment.html

The forecast was correct, and 6 billion people were exterminated. But, as predicted, 200 Million people were saved. Those 200 million people placed Jesus on trial in the International Court of Justice for the crime of Genocide. It was a short Judgment presided over by Chief Justice South. Part of the transcript is below:

South CJ: Jesus Christ, following your acts of the 21^st of May 2011, you have been charged with the crime of Genocide. How do you plead?

Jesus Christ: Not guilty your honour

South CJ: Jesus, under these exceptional circumstances, this court is going to dispense with formalities. Look, Jesus, over a period of twenty four hours you were complicit in the killing of 6 billion people, 2 billion of those were children, another 800million of those were over the age of 80 and over 3 billion were women. Why do you plead not guilty to Genocide?

Jesus Christ: They were all sinners

South CJ: Don’t you feel any mercy?

Jesus Christ: I am merciful. I am the all-merciful.

South CJ: What is wrong with you?

Jesus Christ: I would have saved them if they repented

South CJ: Jesus, that lady sitting over there in the gallery is Yang Wen. Her 4 year old daughter, whom you killed, would have had a better understanding of mercy than that which you appear to have. Jesus, mercy is about making concessions to the choices and circumstances of others; it is about putting  yourself in the position of other people... yet you put up your own hurdles, your own standards, and kill people as they trip over them.

Jesus Christ: But I...

South CJ: Jesus, there is a family sitting in the gallery, behind you, and you murdered their homosexual son.

Jesus Christ: ...

South CJ: Do you have anything to say?

Jesus Christ: ... I think... the holy spirit... ...

South CJ: Are you raising the defence of mental impairment?

Jesus Christ: No I’m n...

Counsel for Jesus Christ: Yes my client is your honour

South CJ: Counsel, for such acts of evil, I would have hoped that mental impairment could be the only explanation.

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These are the lyrics to a love-song called: My Dear

Yesterday we were wading in the orange waves

The beach was now the empty scene of that warm day

Just you and me and our love.

My dear

I thought I was meant to be alone

My dear

They said I was strange, that I would never find you

My dear

I guess they were wrong, because I found you my love

My dear

I took you to the movies, the other night

I said that I loved your coat tonight

And you looked at me as if to say “thankyou”

But when we got inside, Everyone had those judging eyes

The Cinema Owner told you that you weren’t allowed inside

Because they didn’t allow animals inside

So we went outside

I thought I was meant to be alone

My dear

They said I was strange, that I would never find you

My dear

I guess they were wrong, because I found you my love

My dear

So we went back to the place that we first met

But the zoo keepers chased us out

So we went to visit your parents

But the zoo-keepers chased us out again

And You weren’t talking again.

My dear.

I asked

How do you feel my dear?

You said  “Bare”

I know, I said, I feel bare too, this love is like a... a...

“Bear!” you said

Yes, you’re right, a big big grizzly bear, tearing at our hearts

“Bare”

We all feel Bare I said

I thought I was meant to be alone

My dear

They said I was strange, that I would never find you

My dear

I guess they were wrong, because I found you my love

My dear

Raisin Toast covers Hallelujah!

Click Here!


Reviews


"great. just what the world needs. another cover of hallelujah...". The Australian Culture Preservation Society 


"The way that Raisin Toast has abused this song... I mean this is really depressing stuff, even by my standards, and i am just so depressed." Leonard Cohen

The Graded Tute

At 10:55 am, Amy was the first person to reach room E218 of the Menzies Building. She knocked on the door, and nobody answered, so she opened it and walked in. Amy wanted to be sitting alone in the room when the tutor arrived, so that she would give the best impression; it was going to be a graded tute.  But before it closed behind her, the door was caught by Joseph, who held it open for his friend Callum. Amy saw everyone in her classes as either a stepping stone or a hurdle on the grading “Bell-Curve”. As far as Amy was concerned, Joseph was just a stepping stone, so she smiled at him. But when Amy saw that Callum was in the tute, her cat-smile screwed up like a tissue on a bush-fire. Callum was a hurdle on the bell curve.

The tutor walked in. She was a dolled up soccer-mom type. She didn’t look friendly. Amy shot up

“Hi, I’m Amy!”

Amy’s hair and makeup hadn’t changed for years; she kept it as it was in her University photo, so that the Tutors could recognise her when they did their marking.

“Hello Amy, I am Mrs. Langer” Said the tutor

Amy lit up and cat-smiled at Callum. Callum was busy texting the answers for a Science Prac to his friend.

Another ten students arrived before the Tutor began – this is how the tute went:

Mrs. Langer (tutor): Now, welcome to Criminal Law tutorials. I am Sandra Langer. Students, this is a graded tute, so I will be judging your thinking speed and your intellect. Lets begin with non sexual assaults. Ok, you *The tutor pointed at Joseph* What is the definition of a crime?

Joseph: um... I... is it... a wrong that people think should be punished?

Mrs. Langer: Not a very good definition *The tutor wrote something on her class sheet*

Callum: Sorry, could you please give us a good “definition of a crime”, Mrs. Langer?

*Mrs. Langer looked at Callum shaking her head in silence as she wrote something more on her paper*

Callum: no?

 Amy: A crime is an intended or careless wrong punishable by the criminal justice system

Mrs. Langer: Excellent Amy! 20 points! Ok the next question is... Callum you tell me, what is the next question that we have to ask?

Callum: the next question?

*Amy and Mrs. Langer shook their heads at Callum*

Callum: What!? Why are you... you’re the tutor, aren’t you meant to be helping us to learn these things?

Mrs. Langer: Don’t know the answer Callum? Well, its your grades I suppose

Callum: Don’t speak to us like that

Mrs Langer: I’m sorry Callum?

Callum: You don’t have any grounds from which to condescend when you are being so condescending.  If you value “reading speed” and “mental gymnastics” above being a good person, you are unintelligent Mrs. Langer.

Mrs. Langer: Well, I just hope that you weren’t planning on being hired by a law firm one day, Callum.

Amy: *chuckles*

Callum: How is your life Mrs. Langer?

Mrs. Langer: come on, lets move on

Callum: Yeah I thought so. Well, hey, I bet you got some excellent grades at uni.

The end
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p.s. While this is based on a true-story, its not an accurate characterisation of most graded tutes (which are generally happy and hunkydory)

pps. These are two great photos that my friends took of melbourne. They're actually entered in a competition, so you can vote for them, but even if you don't vote for them they are just worth havng a look at.

http://www.loveitup.com.au/australiasmostlovedcity/?iid=15751&source=fb_share#/Vote/15751

http://www.loveitup.com.au/australiasmostlovedcity/#/Vote/15500

Raisin Toast Advice Line

(Raisin Toast recently had an online session where readers could ask Raisin Toast for advice. Below is a transcript of the session.)

Hey there guys, and welcome to RaisinToast’s inaugural “Advice Line”. This will be an opportunity for Raisin Toast to meet some of its regular readers, find out who they are and find out how Raisin Toast can help them. Shoot us your questions!

Jamie's_Mum446:  cook the dinner.

Thanks mum, somebody else? Whoelse is out there?

Reltih_Izan66: Hello Raisin Toast. I call my own mobile phone from my home-phone, but I dont pick up my mobile phone. Instead, I let it ring through and I listen to my own Voice-Mail message, and I talk to it. Its weird you know, its like talking to yourself in the past.

I dont know... was that a question?

Reltih_Izan: Yes

Well ok Reltih, thankyou.  Any other QUESTIONS from anyone? maybe somebody else?

Reich_Fish91: @RaisinToast, I was cooking gnocchi for lunch today, and two of the gnocchi never floated to the top of the pot. What should I do?

Reich_Fish91: hello Raisin Toast? are you there?

Yep I'm here. Ok. What is the problem exactly? Are you worried that the two gnocchi are bad because they did not float?

Reich_Fish91: yes

Well I don’t think that that is the way that gnocchi works, but if you are concerned about the two gnocchi, I think that you should refrain from eating them. Ok?

Reich_Fish91: thankyou

That’s ok. Anybody have any real problems? Like relationship problems?

FuhrerCat: Hi Raisin Toast. I shaved my head, but my hair didn’t grow back. What should I do?

... ok. Um, I’m interested in your name “FuhrerCat”. Did you shave your head for any particular political cause?

FuhrerCat: just for charity

And who sponsored you?

FuhrerCat: The Frankston Nazi Party

Oh for fuck's sake!

FuhrerCat: are you a Jew?

No!

FuhrerCat: @ReichFish, I think that RaisinToast is Jewish

FuhrerCat, you know ReichFish? Hang on... What the hell! that creep who asked the first question @Reltih Izan, your name is just “nazi hitler” spelt backwards!

Reltih_Izan: @Raisin Toast, how dare you! That’s just my name! Its just a normal Kazakhsthani name!

I’m so sorry Reltih!! All of these neo-nazi’s are making me paranoid, I’m really really sorry

Reltih_Izan: I’m still a Nazi

Oh my god

Reich_Fish91: Hey Reltih! =D

So my entire readership are neo-nazis? Is there anybody out there who reads my blog and who is not a neo nazi?

Reich_Fish91: @Raisin Toast, You’re a Jew!

Mum?

Jamie's_Mum446: sorry honey. Heil the Fuhrer.

Ok, I’m ending this session