Scientology Tent Franchise

(Funny-Jamie writes)

Sarah was at the Sunday market when she noticed a tent in the carpark that had never been there before. It was strangely long and narrow with a doorway either side, like a hallway draped in cloth. And it had this strange, horizontal black stripe that went right around the outside. The banner on the front of the tent said “The Future”. Curious, Sarah walked into the tent. As the door closed behind her, she realised that there was barely any light at all in “The Future”, just one candle and the faceless silhouette of a small person at a desk.

When the small person spoke, it was the voice of an unfortunate little man:

Little Man: are you happy?

Sarah: am I happy?

Little Man: There is no need to answer that queston yourself. This Vavaculator will assess the Yenom of your Thetan for you.

*The little man swivelled on his chair and tipped the candle towards the vavaculator*

Sarah: that’s a vacuum cleaner... who are you?

Little Man: A “level 8 Castant Director of the Church of Scientology Tent Franchise”... but the real question is... who are you?

Sarah: I have to go back

Little Man: You cant. We could only afford one way doors. Sorry

Sarah: But I can go forwards

Little Man: Well the Vavaculator will only let you go forwards if you are deeply unhappy

Sarah: But i’m not deeply unhappy!

*The little man jumped up, and pulled the light switch on the way down. A bright light filled the tent*

Sarah: HOLY FUCK!! ... are they Children? Lining the tent??

Little Man: Yes!

Sarah: God!! This place is lined with children wearing suits!! Why aren’t they moving?!

Little Man: They fill ... the gap

Sarah: GET ME OUT!!!

Little Man: The... gap...

*Sarah stumbles backwards onto a child*

Sarah: AAGGHGGGHGH!!!!

Little Man: The... gap...

Sarah: Why do you keep saying that!?

Little Man: Because they fill in the gap, in the tent. From the outside it just looks like a horizontal black stripe, because you just see their suits. I keep the tent dark during the day to mess with their sleeping patterns... so they dont wonder off.

Sarah: ...

Little Man: I wanted to show you. I thought that it was a pretty clever use of The Church’s resources, and I haven’t had any other customers to show it to today. The Church delivers them standard: disturbed, suited, blue eyed and 5.2”. You can have some if you want.

*The Little Man turned off the light and turned on the vavaculator. The vavaculator whirred loudly and Sarah held her chest. She was scared and breathing heavily.*

Little Man: Now, vavaculator is this person happy?

Sarah: hey, HEY! OW! Get that vacuum cleaner off my face!

Little Man: mm, thats it. Yes.

Sarah: hey that’s my bag, get out of my...!!

Little Man: I CANT HEAR YOU!!

Sarah: THATS MY PURSE!!

Little Man (singing loudly): PUFF THE MAGIC DRAGON LIVED BY THE S...

Sarah: WHAT THE HELL!!

*The man turns off the vacuum cleaner. It is silent again. Sarah turns on the light*

Sarah: Ok give me back my money, or i’m calling the police

Little Man: The vavaculator is sensing that you are deeply unhappy. You may leave.